To The Shittiest Boy Friend I Have Ever Had

    I don’t know why you act the way you do. I do not know if it was something I did, or something I could fix properly, because you always bottled it in. You let me into the deepest parts of your mind but never let me tread on the damaged areas, you only showed them while you fenced them in.

    I loved you deeper than I thought I could. My mind and my heart reeled with excitement at the thought of a home with you, married, creating someone half you and half me--all of it. Everyday with you, I fell deeper in love with this idea, the whole thought of you, and I enjoyed every part of you. Fully, and completely.

    That, however, just isn’t who you are. You are not who I wanted you to be. I thought you were the godsend I had prayed for, and to be honest, maybe for a time you were, but I know now that you aren’t anything that I wished you were, and my fantasy needs to come to an end.

    I thought that maybe I could help you, and I like to believe I did, even in some way. I ask people who have known you and they have all said that you have changed and become even better since you met me, and that gives me solace that my time wasn’t wasted. And I don’t think that yours was either. You helped me perceive things in new ways, on different levels, and discussed things with me that were incredible and thought-provoking. Like I said, I enjoyed every moment with you.

    It took me forever to realize though, that you are as destructive as you are beautiful. You bruised me, bullied me, and always abandoned me when I needed you the most. Walking two hours in a strange town to your house because you never showed to pick me up. The times when I was triggered so bad, and instead of calming me down, you would push and prod the extent on how far my mind would slip. When you put me in harms way and would deliver me to the doorstep of those who were abusing me. When you were unfaithful, so many times, and always put me in uncomfortable sexual situations.

    Nothing I did was good enough to keep your attention, unless I was doing better than you. Whenever I would finally get my peace back, and was happy and successful, you would rush in to steal it away, showering me with love, gifts, attention--making my happiness focused on what you could give. All you did was distract me from what I actually needed in my life, and then again dropping me when my happiness depended on you.

    You changed me more than I was willing to change. I made too many sacrifices for you, more than I could. Like giving you pieces of my cake until I had nothing left, and even after I had nothing left, I still found something else to give you. I took from others, I conjured up whatever I could, anything and everything you asked for, darling, I was giving you the world. The moment I asked for that in return? I was punished for stepping out of line.

    I realize now, I won’t get an apology. Whether you think I’m wrong, you don’t think you’ve harmed me, or even if you are mentally damaged to the point you can’t do it, I still have to realize that I can’t get back that time I invested in you, and I’m never going to get closure from you. If there is one lasting impression you’ve made on me, it’s that some people simply are incapable of changing, and you proved that, time and time again, through the promises never kept and the times I spent staring down the road, waiting for you to show up.

    One thing that will never change as well, is that I will never stop loving you. Always and for the rest of my life, I will always be in love with the storm that you are. But I’ve found a hurricane, much more beautiful than you ever could be, and that hurricane was the one thing that was always better than you.

Me.