Mental Illness -- "That is Bullshit"

    I tried to create a blog a while ago called This is How Villains are Made, and it was supposed to be a bunch of posts written by those with mental illness who could help others who were going through it. We offered support and contact information so if you were having a hard time, you could contact us and not only that but suicide hotlines and the like. I myself have suffered greatly from such things, and only recently started to do this whole reform on how I lived my life in lieu of such things. I am doing a sort of "series" on Facebook that every once in a while I'll make a post describing something that I've been going through. I decided it'd probably be a good idea to do this here as well.

    I had a conversation with someone today, in which the conversation came to the point when I said that I have issues with myself that are considered irreversible, due to the fact that the diseases I have (PTSD and MDD) have degraded my brain due to a shortage of necessary chemicals. Their prompt reply was, and in all literal sense, "that is bullshit". To be honest, they are someone I highly respect in the short time we've known each other, however, this very much irked me. Knowing neurology as I do, I know that there are major effects on the brain to prolonged exposure to untreated mental diseases that are sometimes permanent. This friend also said how they handled a panic attack with a stern repose of calm down and don't talk to me until you have.

    This conversation left me in a bad mood as it was the last thing we spoke of before I had work, and all the while I was working at the pizza shop, I was viciously folding boxes and scrubbing pans with a furrowed brow and a heavy, almost rejected heart. I thought, how could someone be so dismissive to something that I have seen and experienced? How can someone be so arrogant as to treat someone like that during a panic attack? What type of deterrent showed them this idealism? This person is someone very spiritual and knowledgeable in many things, and it shocked me that this ignorant response even came from such a person.

    But then, I started thinking.

    And it never goes well when I start doing that.

    I started first as I always do; first the outrage, the denial, the counterarguments, that whole shebang. If someone ever comes up to me with something or a situation that I don't like, it's an immediate outburst to get the emotions out. Those who have known me longest know that I do this, and let me freak out and rant as much as I need to before we continue with any conversation. Then, after that, I am able to take an unbiased opinion and view it from their side, and once I started doing this from their perspective, I started to see something.

    Now if you'd like to hear this friend's true opinion, I will add an edit, however from what I could pick apart it started from this; if you yourself are a spiritual person, this actually makes sense. When you live life in a way in which everything is flowing and and about feeling the way the universe is, nothing is concrete. Nothing is solidified and absolute. It is all not just "up to you" but all that open themselves to such a thing all come to the same conclusions, which is why overall we all get to the same place once we start our spiritual journey. A place where you can feel God, and talk to It, and know things; tapping into a higher plane of existence that is not only extraordinary but also unknown, terrifying and full of misdirection. The thing is here, however is the facet "it is up to you". Because in that reality, it is. You have full creative expression due to opening yourself up to the universe, and in this sense, coming to the conclusion that mental illness "does not exist" if very likely. Even if you are able to say to someone "but there is science! Records! We see the degradation and that it is running rampant and causing a lot of harm!". And yes. It is. And yes, it is not. Because to the spiritual person, nothing is true and all is permitted, to quote Assassin's Creed. To those spiritually aware, the spirit, mind and body all affect one another. If you are spiritually disturbed, per se, it is likely your mind and body will be so as well.

    This equates mental illness as a symptom of a disturbed heart. Which in clinical terms, is exactly what it is. You are depressed, bipolar, fearful or triggered--these are all emotional responses and a product of the heart and spirit. The only extra facet that clinical definition brings, is that this disturbance causes the mind to degrade and can affect it. (Genetics can be brought into this, but we will get to genetic mental illness in a moment). We have, specifically with depression in Psychology, come up with a "root" of what causes such a mental illnesses, and I personally have concluded as such with bipolar, and the like, and also, the reasons for lying and unforgiveness.

*Disclaimer: this is purely speculation and not grounded in any scientific research aside from personal experience; may be subject to change after further research

Mental Illnesses
Depression (Anger) Based from Anger forced inwards	Bipolar Disorder (Indecision) Confusion, and indecision from lack of emotional support	PTSD (Fear) Fear of recurrence of past trauma
Sublet Actions*
Unforgiveness Unforgiveness is usually based from anger, or "hardened" anger	Unreliable Tendencies Being unreliable typically stems from indecision or confusion	Lying The main reasons for lying are typically based on fear

    All these things, the mental illnesses, the sublet actions, and all the issues and negative tendencies someone may have is typically due to an underlying emotion. Due to my friend's spirituality, they believe that all these roots can be changed, and should be, given the means and time. However, they seem to disagree that each one a separate emotions, and believes all of these negative actions are born of Fear.

    To be honest with you, I have trouble myself believing some of these things to be 100% accurate; although the Depression, PTSD, Unforgiveness and Lying seem to be spot on, Bipolar Disorder is something I have only witnessed and not experienced personally. So that is subject to change.

    So, in conclusion, we now know that spiritual connection has a big part in how the brain works, and that your mindset can change your mental illness. However there are two things; first of all, is the way my friend presented a proper way to combat mental illness and second, what about genetic mental illness instead of developed?

    Both of these points are controversial, and are being discussed in the bigger world as you're reading this; what is the best way to combat mental illness, genetic and developed? For the longest time, we have taken the stance of "just get over it", which I believe to be actually healthy, and that is coming from someone who has been told "get over it" thousands of times to the point it nearly lead me to suicide. Sounds contradicting, right? Well, actually no. Being told to "get over it" isn't too far from the truth; the problem is a brain with the symptoms of such clogged up emotion, and babying someone with such issues can create a major problem that I faced. I became complacent to direction and harsh criticism because it made me used to the cushy reactions of "no worries, it'll all be taken care of", which as a temporary solution when someone is manic or depressed, is a live saver, however, as a long-term treatment is deadly. Because not everyone can reply in such a safe manner, and can encourage those who are depressed and sensitive to rejection to take it harsher than intended. Such as bullying. Because I expected from my history with my family of babying me when it came to my mental illness, I was not prepared to deal with others who had little tolerance to someone who would sometimes kill a mood due to the fact I was having such a moment.

    Yet because of this method of "get over it" proving to be a failure for long-term treatment, the world has come to a switch; we're starting to care deeper about these problems. Although suicide rates are keeping a steady pace. Possibly a reform should be made, especially when it comes to genetic diseases of this kind, because that can be an entirely new blog post to make.

    At the end of the day, I posted this to express something that was of deep importance; even though I didn't completely agree with my friend, there was some truth; you may be on medication, you may be having a hard time, but take a moment to take the pressure off; calm down. Force yourself to be in a stable place again, because from the results of that conversation and their reports on the method, once you are able to do that, you can then attack the roots of the problem appropriately and conquer such things, whether it be through therapy, spirituality, or even a good friend.

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    I hope this helped in some way to identify the possible roots of problems you or a loved one may be encountering, and although I have not academically sourced this, there is nothing here that has not be supported by outside evidence. Thank you for reading about this, and I wish you wellness for your lifetime to come in combating such debilitating diseases.

To The Shittiest Boy Friend I Have Ever Had

    I don’t know why you act the way you do. I do not know if it was something I did, or something I could fix properly, because you always bottled it in. You let me into the deepest parts of your mind but never let me tread on the damaged areas, you only showed them while you fenced them in.

    I loved you deeper than I thought I could. My mind and my heart reeled with excitement at the thought of a home with you, married, creating someone half you and half me--all of it. Everyday with you, I fell deeper in love with this idea, the whole thought of you, and I enjoyed every part of you. Fully, and completely.

    That, however, just isn’t who you are. You are not who I wanted you to be. I thought you were the godsend I had prayed for, and to be honest, maybe for a time you were, but I know now that you aren’t anything that I wished you were, and my fantasy needs to come to an end.

    I thought that maybe I could help you, and I like to believe I did, even in some way. I ask people who have known you and they have all said that you have changed and become even better since you met me, and that gives me solace that my time wasn’t wasted. And I don’t think that yours was either. You helped me perceive things in new ways, on different levels, and discussed things with me that were incredible and thought-provoking. Like I said, I enjoyed every moment with you.

    It took me forever to realize though, that you are as destructive as you are beautiful. You bruised me, bullied me, and always abandoned me when I needed you the most. Walking two hours in a strange town to your house because you never showed to pick me up. The times when I was triggered so bad, and instead of calming me down, you would push and prod the extent on how far my mind would slip. When you put me in harms way and would deliver me to the doorstep of those who were abusing me. When you were unfaithful, so many times, and always put me in uncomfortable sexual situations.

    Nothing I did was good enough to keep your attention, unless I was doing better than you. Whenever I would finally get my peace back, and was happy and successful, you would rush in to steal it away, showering me with love, gifts, attention--making my happiness focused on what you could give. All you did was distract me from what I actually needed in my life, and then again dropping me when my happiness depended on you.

    You changed me more than I was willing to change. I made too many sacrifices for you, more than I could. Like giving you pieces of my cake until I had nothing left, and even after I had nothing left, I still found something else to give you. I took from others, I conjured up whatever I could, anything and everything you asked for, darling, I was giving you the world. The moment I asked for that in return? I was punished for stepping out of line.

    I realize now, I won’t get an apology. Whether you think I’m wrong, you don’t think you’ve harmed me, or even if you are mentally damaged to the point you can’t do it, I still have to realize that I can’t get back that time I invested in you, and I’m never going to get closure from you. If there is one lasting impression you’ve made on me, it’s that some people simply are incapable of changing, and you proved that, time and time again, through the promises never kept and the times I spent staring down the road, waiting for you to show up.

    One thing that will never change as well, is that I will never stop loving you. Always and for the rest of my life, I will always be in love with the storm that you are. But I’ve found a hurricane, much more beautiful than you ever could be, and that hurricane was the one thing that was always better than you.

Me.

My Sexual Identity is "Person" and my Standards are "Balance"

*Disclaimer; the following blog post is based purely off of opinion based in experience, and psychological training. This is not based off of study or tested hypothesis and is composed purely of observation.

I stumbled upon this picture on Facebook and it struck a chord in my head on something that's been bugging me for a long time; women in general have a higher tendency to be more emotionally intelligent, while this is something that can be found and/or trained in anyone of any gender, women have a supporting ability that has been both utilized and depressed throughout history and culture. A woman friend can be your strongest ally--sadly nowadays, there's a weird stigma on the male-female friendship because of the assumption heterosexual people of the opposite sex are only around each other to copulate. Although there is an ideal solution to this problem, if you consider it as such, I am also going to explain why this stigma exists and how it can healthily broken down or built up depending on the situation, and also the fact that this is a prominent issue only in a specific age group (14-40) and why this age group can be so large.

Personally I find this idea that men and women are only meant to copulate as oppressing as the idea homosexual men and women are always coming onto you just because you happen to be the same sex. Does sexuality really determine, not only our mating potentials, but also our friendship potentials as well? Personally, I don't think it does, however there is some loose anchor in fact here.

Evolutionarily, species are meant to progress through heritability. Men and women have opposing genitalia that allow them to procreate so naturally, there is innate attraction towards the opposite sex. If we want to live, we gotta get it on, and we gotta get it on a lot to compensate for the death rate. This also explains the evolutionarily and societal construction of our mating periods; puberty says do it young, and society says get married at 30. This problem spans over a large age group because of these two constructions and pressures to procreate.

However, there are other factors that also naturally contradict the need to have sex consistently to keep the species going, aside from bad pick up lines from the 70s. Something that people seem to forget is that we are also by nature a species of community. Many other species act on this rule, such as canines, primates, certain marine life, insects, and many more. They travel in packs, swarms, troops, pods, clouds, congregations and whatever other words you'd like to apply but overall, we're not a one-man species, and this is consistent throughout nature. Community helps not only in hunting and nursery, but other things as well. It has seen that, in an example of wolves, that these guys have a higher life expectancy together rather when they get separated from the pack. It creates stability.

Community is just as essential as copulation, two similar yet separate states. Two people can be friends with no assumption of sexual activity, if you are mature enough to understand that people need groups, however large or small, to be mentally stable. Life is not about sex. Love is not about sex. Friendship shouldn't be, either, and the fact that our sexual identity also determines which sex we can become friends with is not only annoyingly segregating, but not founded in solid truths. This is not even tapping into the monogamous tendencies that certain species exemplify, which includes humans.

And on the other side of this, this is exactly the issues presented to homosexual persons as well. You find it annoying? Think about these guys. Consistently, gay men are found without male friends, regardless of a lack of sexual attraction, because of this assumption. And lesbian women? Hell, girls can be vicious. Bisexuals also hit this point hard because they are attracted to both genders, and where do you think that leaves them?

Now remove sexuality, and back to the point; regardless of this, men and women need each other. This does not say that if you'd rather a same-sex partnership that you are unbalanced, no, but there is a tendency and idea that opposites bring balance. In terms of cis vs. trans, you can have these traits in any gender, however we are going on the assumption that, on average, women and men are born with natural balancing effects when brought together. A better example supporting that same-sex partnership brings balance, is when you have a classic scale, like this; they were originally meant for bartering when worth was measured in the weight of the coins and the metals they were made of. This was perfect for international economy because as long as they weighed the same and were balanced, two different coins were considered of equal value (if the two countries used the same system of the scale, however that is irrelevant for this metaphor). Yet, what about the same currency? As long as the scale was balanced, they were equal value. Whether the currency was different or the same.

This is an interesting way of thinking of it, but as long as it gets the point across. You can be the same-sex or of different sex, as long as you're balanced. Naturally, going back to the evolutionary point, if we're made in two different ways to continue the species, we must balance and support each other if we're going to procreate together. Logical assumption, yes? In general terms.

Yet this post means, if you are of male sex, you need someone of female sex. Women are supportive, get mad so you don't have to, lend a listening ear, and make come backs better than Doc Martins and accent braids. Women and men balance out each other. It doesn't matter your sexuality, grab your brother, sister, best friend, parent--whoever, someone of the opposite sex can help you define things in your life better.

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Before we go, let's take two steps forward; can't boys and girls be friends without blood relation or sexual tension? Hell, can't I call one of my best friend's boyfriends also my best friend and not get rude comments thrown my way? I've hung out and talked with one friend, Anthony, alone before with no weird spooky stuff, and it has helped me in the most trying of times. Both of our significant others take care of the 75% of the problems, and my best friend (who is the girlfriend of said Anthony) takes care of the 24% shared with another best female friend of mine, but sometimes I need the advice of someone who isn't romantically involved with me, not a girl, and not related to tell me feedback of my actions, to grab that 1%. It's refreshing, and my relationship with my boyfriend is better because of it.

So, last step we'll take; let us look at those who come into our lives, not as a gender, or a sex, or as a conquest or sexual endeavor, but as who and what they really are; people. Personally, I don't give this benefit of a doubt to everyone, because this world kind of sucks, but for those who have established their character in the way that makes me wanna put a friendship bracelet on it, they automatically become people, not boys or girls to me.

Everything else is just a beautiful embellishment.

(My apologies for the spread out discussion here, this was more a transcript of a verbal conversation I've had, and it took a few turns, but I hope that you enjoy it.)

Oh, well I haven't seen you in a while...

    It's been four years.
    Wow. Four years.
    There's been a lot that's happened since then and to be honest, I'm questioning how I survived it. I won't get quite into everything, but overall, my blog was started when I was still in shock from my mother's death on July 16th, 2011. 2012 is blank to me now. Completely. I barely remember writing these posts, or writing my books, or meeting people or when I had a horrible break up with my first boyfriend, that if it hadn't ended, I'd probably still be with him. Life has been insane.
    I've been through hell and back. The hyperness? That only just recently came back. I was a hollow existence for more than a few years while plastering a pretty smile on my lips to escape judgement and intrudes. I lost friends I pulled away from, completely shut down, and spent more time that I wish to admit in the psych ward.
    You'd never guess from my previous posts here, the four that exist with one video, that I was actually suffering pretty bad and was diagnosed that year with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My mother's lead-up to her eventual death was a bit more dramatic than I cared to share.
    Now it has been four years. Four years since I've stopped hiding the issues, let go of my old self, and rediscovered a new identity that I try to grasp in anyway I can, and feels as if it's always been there. I found myself being bullied by three major groups of people that each have bullied me for the same reason. Said the same things. I've gotten used to the words that would've crushed me before. I had always been coddled by my parents, sisters, and friends, and it was new to discover that even adults who are more than double your age can bully you the same way dead-beats from a small town can.
    However, it hasn't all be dark and dreary.
    I was accepted to Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Science University on a hefty scholarship and have kept a GPA of 3.72 and graduated from Charlestown High School with a GPA of 4.10 (how? Do not ask, I don't know). I have a few close friends that are amazing and a joy in my life, and have kept me going even when I think I've fallen. I met this wonderful man who've I've been with for a year and half and wouldn't trade anything for him, and we go about life in successive adventures of research, debates, light competition, and of course continuous dancing. I live at home with my wonderful father, and still have a good relationship with both my sisters and have gotten closer to my extended family. I stay with my boyfriend's wonderful family during the summer, and they are everything to me in all that they are and accept me and my flaws and clinical illnesses.
    I haven't ended any of my hobbies of writing, painting, and even filming! Cam fully supports these hobbies, and was with me during one of them. It has been wonderful living out my life, and the memories I do have left are treasured, even the ones that are a little bit on the more sad side.
    I have lost a lot and this blog was supposed to be about my crazy adventures, opinions, music and other things. Now, that won't change, but the reason for writing will; I am no longer going to hide behind the fallacy that everything was okay. Because sometimes, it's not, and that is not a bad thing. Crisis isn't something to fear, it is an opportunity to learn and grow far beyond the horizons you have built in your times of peace. I never thought I would make it the way I did, that I was able to succeed so well while still being a mess. Yet, we're all messes. I've learned that the most from this past year. We all have a problem, one or another. I have become strong while being weak, and have kicked ass if I do say so myself.
    I haven't seen you in a while, and a lot has changed, including my perspective, but I'm still the same crazy, over-enthusiastic, prideful, hyper, ridiculous fifteen year old that started this blog over four years ago. Maybe this time around, we might start being a bit more honest about what it's really life in the Life of Elizabeth McGrath.

(P.S. BY THE WAY; a few awesome and big events have happened between then and now and one of them is my gorgeous sister Erica got married!! I wanted to restart this blog when she did but I was too air-headed and full of an AP physics class to really get it going but you'll probably see many more photos and blog posts about these two kiddos who have been there for me and succeeded like the bosses they are!! Yay for my sister and brother in law, Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Leman!!)

*Pictures

Reggie Lewis Athletic Center, graduation

"If We Made It" CampusMovieFest, Cam and I

New York, left-right, me, Erica, Andrew, Dad!

National Novel Writing--what?

Hey, my lovely minions of followers. How have you been this past summer? I am so sorry I haven't been able to update my blog in a very long time, which in and of itself is a long story I will get to at some other time.
    But for now, as most of you know; NaNoWriMo is starting up again!! (yayyy crowd cheers). You don't know what NaNoWriMo is? No, this cannot be. Alright, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. It's when a bunch of people all around the nation (national, duh) get together in wonderful spirit in the wonderful month of November and write a novel. In a month. It's quite enjoyable and pretty fun if I might add myself.
    I started doing NaNoWriMo four years ago when my mom had it as required school work for our homeschooling. She had discovered a site and the challenge of writing 50,000 words in a 31 days and thought it'd be a keen idea to show to her twelve and fourteen year olds, who wanted nothing more than to just quit school early and become hobos, to participate in this such event. At first, it was a serious and annoying chore, the simple IDEA of writing 1,667 words per day ON TOP of all that math and handwriting and science and English and History and--well, you get the picture.
    Personally, it actually didn't take long before I started to warm up to idea and relish in the fact that I was given an excuse to skip school and freaking write all day. I loved writing, almost as much as I desire school nowadays, and hadn't been given the opportunity to spread my wings in that department yet. This suddenly became a dream come true, a lonely wish granted, a lovely melody put to paper--it was a set of inspiration! A dazzling new vision of my new main characters of antagonists and protagonists lining up at the starting line to rush off down the stream of that thousand such words a day. I suddenly couldn't wait to write, and my mother was extremely excited that I was taken with it so much.
    My sister, Molly, on the other hand was still relentlessly stuck on the hobo idea. (Thankfully, not anymore, but she still refuses to do NaNoWriMo).
    And so, it gave birth to my ridiculous, supreme, top, ultimate and uttermost failure of my 105,000 word long novel entitled Golden Sun, Silver Moon--(don't judge me, I was twelve). It is a reincarnation of the Never Ending Story, I tell ye; and quite stupid and random at that. Too many characters, too many subplots, too many bad guys who were really good guys and too many people dying and having the Daniel Jackson-Rory Williams syndrome. It was, and quite frankly still is a strong source of embarrassment in my elder age. I wish I still had the art I did for the book cover, but sadly I do not. It was about these two kids, Karen and Chris, who were sucked into another world through what was called an Air Rip in which was the side effects of the other world, Valv, dying. People there were blessed with super powers, depending on their hair and eye color, and all the races were in such chaos, the planet was tearing itself apart. It was actually an okay plot, but meh. Oh and Karen and Chris turned out to be incarnations of people who had saved Valv before and weilded twin swords of power called Golden Sun and Silver Moon. (See where the title comes in?)
    Anyways, the next year was actually quite the improvement. Unfortunately though, Molly decided not to join my mother and I which made us both a bit disappoint, but we carried on. I ended up reaching the goal in ten days flat entitled The Academy. It was about this girl who was chosen as a student to a highly valued school owned by the government called the Academy, where gifted young men and women went to be taught a certain way, and later attain jobs in Ministry, Militia, and Congress. It's an honor to be chosen, and also a curse because you are taken from your family and rarely allowed to see them. Aerith Athena Erickson was chosen for this place, and she wasn't all that happy about it. As it turns out, the book unfolds in drama and politics and action and romance, and is actually in a series of three books total that I continued after NaNoWriMo. The Academy, the State Training, and the Republic. It's the Stacia Saga at the moment, and there's to be five books total. Haven't gotten around to the others. I really liked it, and still do happily, and I wish to someday have it fully edited and publish. :) I also, though, have lost the art for the book cover, which is probably all well and good, because it wasn't that special.

    Last years, was my first novel on my own. It was a bit emotional, knowing my mother was no longer with me to share in the excitement, but I still continued our tradition of staying up until midnight to rush through the first couple of pages. I ended up crying, not wanting to continue. It was a tough time for me but I managed to get my imagination out; Mist was uncovered from the depths of my mind. A more dark and sinister book filled with the terrors of the night. About a young man with no purpose in life who stumbles unto a world of darkness and chaos threatening to take over everything.
    A couple of months later, I ended up reinventing it, with a slightly different storyline and better plot, but I will never forget turning out the lights in my room and settling down to continue the horrors of my main character Aiden. Nearing the end, I remember, it had something to do with walking off into the darkness, hand in hand with his new best friends and new purpose; a light at the end of the tunnel. Dedicated to a loved friend of mine, it was to show him that there is always hope somewhere.
    Continuing on with that theme of hope, lights at the end of the tunnels, and rekindling lost dreams, I brainstormed this novel called Something to Light the Candles With. One night, my dad was fuming, searching around, saying this to himself. He was looking for a lighter to light the candles with (see where I'm going with this?) at my mother's grace; a ritual he always part-takes in every night. I mentioned it sounded like a book title, and then left it at that, not knowing how much it was going to inspire.
    On October 1st, when my friends on Facebook (Shout out to Bethany Jean and Michele Archer :D) starting getting excited for NaNoWriMo, I scrambled to the computer and thought long and hard for a new novel to write. Recently, I had started up a novel already called Test of Faith (WIP), and I felt it was taking up most of my creative intuition. It wasn't long though, until I remembered the candles. The dark night, the small flicking flame shooting the rays of the heavens out into the cemetery among not the dead, but the sleeping. Being in a deep depression for the past summer, it made me think of hope once again. Believing in happier times. And how much I've lost physically, but will never forget in my heart. My mother, my friends, my family--still with me if I can simply remember them. Something to Light the Candles With is to be something about a young woman. She doesn't speak much, and with not many friends. Until she meets a boy, a bit younger than her but still, an old soul who teaches her friendships, people who have touched your heart, stay with you, forever.

    Ah, yes; NaNoWriMo has always held a very special place in my heart, and I believe it will continue that way for a long time. I hope you'll join me on this great adventure of exploring this new world of literary fiction (or is it really?) this month to come to then lighten up Thanksgiving with and welcome in Christmas times. It's always quite the quest to fulfill, but I believe--with your help, of course--it is within reach of acomplishment.

Homeschooling

   Something that's always been a part of my life is, no duh, homeschooling. I've been homeschooled my entirety of learning life. That is a total of 99 months of being at home scribbling in books instead of goofing off in a classroom somewhere. There have been rough patches with in my relationship with Homeschooling; a bit on the rocks where I wanted to leave because I felt he was trying to take my social life away--but through it all, he's been there for me. Mr. Homeschooling "Learn twenty-four/seven".

   My mom was an avid enthusiast when it came to this. I remember memories of trying to climb over everything with my overactive, energetic six-year-old mind and she just sat there while I tumbled off the couch, continuing to read off everything. Usually, people yell at me when I do this now-a-days (probably had something to do with my cute, adorable six year old face that everyone just let thing's slide like jumping off of high heights. Or the fact that a near sixteen year old is still tumbling on and off couches--I think either is a justified argument) saying "sit down, Elizabeth!", "you're not paying attention, are you?", "What--DON'T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH--!" And things like that. Nah, she knew how I'd learn. She had it all figured out just by being my mom and a freaking good teacher at that.

   We never really had it diagnosed, but I have a easy form of dyslexia. As in, it can affect the way I read and write, but it's not terrible that I just can't read PERIOD. But dyslexia, it has other problems than just reading. I can only comprehend instructions if they're told to me a certain way. Which can really be annoying when I'm at my choir and my conductor is like "Hey, can you make sure this is done by this time?" I listen, and I reply, "Oh yeah sure, completely within my power to do so, ma'am!"

   You know, I have no idea what she said to this day. I had to ask someone else. And even then, it was garbled. Turned out everyone forgot what it was themselves so, I got lucky that time.

   It's just sometimes, my head just goes blank. Like there's a wall that shoots up out of the ground and is like, "Haha--no. Not today". But, my mom didn't care, she was able to show me how to do everything simply and easily. She never got frustrated--well, that's a lie, she did. Got my ear pulled--but she had it all under control. I'm wondering, did she know she was presenting me; a messed up, vegetable brained idiot--the exact perfect way to get everything down? Was it planned, or did she just make it up as she went?

   I find myself thinking, while remembering my homeschooling childhood, a want to go to college to teach special needs kids. Not just autistic, but kids who struggle in school from learning disabilities that also effect social interaction like ADHD, dyslexia, aspergers--thing's like that. (I hope you know I had to look up how to spell that word with some difficulty.) The Genius Symptoms I like to call them, because you really only have these "disabilities" because your mind is meant to do big thing's, you just don't know discipline yet. I think it was spurred on from her, from my mom being able to do all this crap without even trying. I remember, she even had me in charge of helping out kids who were testing, teaching them thing's they needed to know. I learned a lot from it, because I was talking and showing someone else. Trying to figure out a wording that they'd understand and in the process, I figured it out for myself as well.

   This in mind, I start to think of my boyfriend, Ian--he's getting behind in school because he has the Genius Symptoms. Nothing's diagnosed but he has trouble focusing on thing's he doesn't like. He'll push it off--unless it's thing's like science and learning how to build complicated machines that goes straight over my head--then he focuses TOO much. I know my mom dealt with me in my own unique way of learning, and I realized, he's more adept to learning the way I do, than the traditional way. I offered to tutor him this summer--in fact, I'm REALLY excited for it. And, it's only now when I'm thinking through what I should do to help him out, I feel my mom behind me saying "wow Beanie! That's great!" every time I write something down in the planner.

   I felt like I was losing her a bit, I mean yeah no duh she died, but I can't remember much. And it's not until now with the schooling stuff, I feel closer. I remember thing's. I guess, I might be setting my heart too much on this, but I think this is a good idea.

Getting Started; Vlog Style!!

So here we are! This is the first video I made for this blog but I didn't get to post it because I'm lazy and didn't edit it after I made it. But now it is all pretty and cut--not very clean in the editing, but hey; gimme a break it's my first legit edited video.

   I hope to see more videos because they are so much fun to record and then edit you have no idea. Have fun!




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Program used; 
Windows Movie Maker 2.6