To The Shittiest Boy Friend I Have Ever Had

    I don’t know why you act the way you do. I do not know if it was something I did, or something I could fix properly, because you always bottled it in. You let me into the deepest parts of your mind but never let me tread on the damaged areas, you only showed them while you fenced them in.

    I loved you deeper than I thought I could. My mind and my heart reeled with excitement at the thought of a home with you, married, creating someone half you and half me--all of it. Everyday with you, I fell deeper in love with this idea, the whole thought of you, and I enjoyed every part of you. Fully, and completely.

    That, however, just isn’t who you are. You are not who I wanted you to be. I thought you were the godsend I had prayed for, and to be honest, maybe for a time you were, but I know now that you aren’t anything that I wished you were, and my fantasy needs to come to an end.

    I thought that maybe I could help you, and I like to believe I did, even in some way. I ask people who have known you and they have all said that you have changed and become even better since you met me, and that gives me solace that my time wasn’t wasted. And I don’t think that yours was either. You helped me perceive things in new ways, on different levels, and discussed things with me that were incredible and thought-provoking. Like I said, I enjoyed every moment with you.

    It took me forever to realize though, that you are as destructive as you are beautiful. You bruised me, bullied me, and always abandoned me when I needed you the most. Walking two hours in a strange town to your house because you never showed to pick me up. The times when I was triggered so bad, and instead of calming me down, you would push and prod the extent on how far my mind would slip. When you put me in harms way and would deliver me to the doorstep of those who were abusing me. When you were unfaithful, so many times, and always put me in uncomfortable sexual situations.

    Nothing I did was good enough to keep your attention, unless I was doing better than you. Whenever I would finally get my peace back, and was happy and successful, you would rush in to steal it away, showering me with love, gifts, attention--making my happiness focused on what you could give. All you did was distract me from what I actually needed in my life, and then again dropping me when my happiness depended on you.

    You changed me more than I was willing to change. I made too many sacrifices for you, more than I could. Like giving you pieces of my cake until I had nothing left, and even after I had nothing left, I still found something else to give you. I took from others, I conjured up whatever I could, anything and everything you asked for, darling, I was giving you the world. The moment I asked for that in return? I was punished for stepping out of line.

    I realize now, I won’t get an apology. Whether you think I’m wrong, you don’t think you’ve harmed me, or even if you are mentally damaged to the point you can’t do it, I still have to realize that I can’t get back that time I invested in you, and I’m never going to get closure from you. If there is one lasting impression you’ve made on me, it’s that some people simply are incapable of changing, and you proved that, time and time again, through the promises never kept and the times I spent staring down the road, waiting for you to show up.

    One thing that will never change as well, is that I will never stop loving you. Always and for the rest of my life, I will always be in love with the storm that you are. But I’ve found a hurricane, much more beautiful than you ever could be, and that hurricane was the one thing that was always better than you.

Me.

My Sexual Identity is "Person" and my Standards are "Balance"

*Disclaimer; the following blog post is based purely off of opinion based in experience, and psychological training. This is not based off of study or tested hypothesis and is composed purely of observation.

I stumbled upon this picture on Facebook and it struck a chord in my head on something that's been bugging me for a long time; women in general have a higher tendency to be more emotionally intelligent, while this is something that can be found and/or trained in anyone of any gender, women have a supporting ability that has been both utilized and depressed throughout history and culture. A woman friend can be your strongest ally--sadly nowadays, there's a weird stigma on the male-female friendship because of the assumption heterosexual people of the opposite sex are only around each other to copulate. Although there is an ideal solution to this problem, if you consider it as such, I am also going to explain why this stigma exists and how it can healthily broken down or built up depending on the situation, and also the fact that this is a prominent issue only in a specific age group (14-40) and why this age group can be so large.

Personally I find this idea that men and women are only meant to copulate as oppressing as the idea homosexual men and women are always coming onto you just because you happen to be the same sex. Does sexuality really determine, not only our mating potentials, but also our friendship potentials as well? Personally, I don't think it does, however there is some loose anchor in fact here.

Evolutionarily, species are meant to progress through heritability. Men and women have opposing genitalia that allow them to procreate so naturally, there is innate attraction towards the opposite sex. If we want to live, we gotta get it on, and we gotta get it on a lot to compensate for the death rate. This also explains the evolutionarily and societal construction of our mating periods; puberty says do it young, and society says get married at 30. This problem spans over a large age group because of these two constructions and pressures to procreate.

However, there are other factors that also naturally contradict the need to have sex consistently to keep the species going, aside from bad pick up lines from the 70s. Something that people seem to forget is that we are also by nature a species of community. Many other species act on this rule, such as canines, primates, certain marine life, insects, and many more. They travel in packs, swarms, troops, pods, clouds, congregations and whatever other words you'd like to apply but overall, we're not a one-man species, and this is consistent throughout nature. Community helps not only in hunting and nursery, but other things as well. It has seen that, in an example of wolves, that these guys have a higher life expectancy together rather when they get separated from the pack. It creates stability.

Community is just as essential as copulation, two similar yet separate states. Two people can be friends with no assumption of sexual activity, if you are mature enough to understand that people need groups, however large or small, to be mentally stable. Life is not about sex. Love is not about sex. Friendship shouldn't be, either, and the fact that our sexual identity also determines which sex we can become friends with is not only annoyingly segregating, but not founded in solid truths. This is not even tapping into the monogamous tendencies that certain species exemplify, which includes humans.

And on the other side of this, this is exactly the issues presented to homosexual persons as well. You find it annoying? Think about these guys. Consistently, gay men are found without male friends, regardless of a lack of sexual attraction, because of this assumption. And lesbian women? Hell, girls can be vicious. Bisexuals also hit this point hard because they are attracted to both genders, and where do you think that leaves them?

Now remove sexuality, and back to the point; regardless of this, men and women need each other. This does not say that if you'd rather a same-sex partnership that you are unbalanced, no, but there is a tendency and idea that opposites bring balance. In terms of cis vs. trans, you can have these traits in any gender, however we are going on the assumption that, on average, women and men are born with natural balancing effects when brought together. A better example supporting that same-sex partnership brings balance, is when you have a classic scale, like this; they were originally meant for bartering when worth was measured in the weight of the coins and the metals they were made of. This was perfect for international economy because as long as they weighed the same and were balanced, two different coins were considered of equal value (if the two countries used the same system of the scale, however that is irrelevant for this metaphor). Yet, what about the same currency? As long as the scale was balanced, they were equal value. Whether the currency was different or the same.

This is an interesting way of thinking of it, but as long as it gets the point across. You can be the same-sex or of different sex, as long as you're balanced. Naturally, going back to the evolutionary point, if we're made in two different ways to continue the species, we must balance and support each other if we're going to procreate together. Logical assumption, yes? In general terms.

Yet this post means, if you are of male sex, you need someone of female sex. Women are supportive, get mad so you don't have to, lend a listening ear, and make come backs better than Doc Martins and accent braids. Women and men balance out each other. It doesn't matter your sexuality, grab your brother, sister, best friend, parent--whoever, someone of the opposite sex can help you define things in your life better.

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Before we go, let's take two steps forward; can't boys and girls be friends without blood relation or sexual tension? Hell, can't I call one of my best friend's boyfriends also my best friend and not get rude comments thrown my way? I've hung out and talked with one friend, Anthony, alone before with no weird spooky stuff, and it has helped me in the most trying of times. Both of our significant others take care of the 75% of the problems, and my best friend (who is the girlfriend of said Anthony) takes care of the 24% shared with another best female friend of mine, but sometimes I need the advice of someone who isn't romantically involved with me, not a girl, and not related to tell me feedback of my actions, to grab that 1%. It's refreshing, and my relationship with my boyfriend is better because of it.

So, last step we'll take; let us look at those who come into our lives, not as a gender, or a sex, or as a conquest or sexual endeavor, but as who and what they really are; people. Personally, I don't give this benefit of a doubt to everyone, because this world kind of sucks, but for those who have established their character in the way that makes me wanna put a friendship bracelet on it, they automatically become people, not boys or girls to me.

Everything else is just a beautiful embellishment.

(My apologies for the spread out discussion here, this was more a transcript of a verbal conversation I've had, and it took a few turns, but I hope that you enjoy it.)

Oh, well I haven't seen you in a while...

    It's been four years.
    Wow. Four years.
    There's been a lot that's happened since then and to be honest, I'm questioning how I survived it. I won't get quite into everything, but overall, my blog was started when I was still in shock from my mother's death on July 16th, 2011. 2012 is blank to me now. Completely. I barely remember writing these posts, or writing my books, or meeting people or when I had a horrible break up with my first boyfriend, that if it hadn't ended, I'd probably still be with him. Life has been insane.
    I've been through hell and back. The hyperness? That only just recently came back. I was a hollow existence for more than a few years while plastering a pretty smile on my lips to escape judgement and intrudes. I lost friends I pulled away from, completely shut down, and spent more time that I wish to admit in the psych ward.
    You'd never guess from my previous posts here, the four that exist with one video, that I was actually suffering pretty bad and was diagnosed that year with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). My mother's lead-up to her eventual death was a bit more dramatic than I cared to share.
    Now it has been four years. Four years since I've stopped hiding the issues, let go of my old self, and rediscovered a new identity that I try to grasp in anyway I can, and feels as if it's always been there. I found myself being bullied by three major groups of people that each have bullied me for the same reason. Said the same things. I've gotten used to the words that would've crushed me before. I had always been coddled by my parents, sisters, and friends, and it was new to discover that even adults who are more than double your age can bully you the same way dead-beats from a small town can.
    However, it hasn't all be dark and dreary.
    I was accepted to Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Science University on a hefty scholarship and have kept a GPA of 3.72 and graduated from Charlestown High School with a GPA of 4.10 (how? Do not ask, I don't know). I have a few close friends that are amazing and a joy in my life, and have kept me going even when I think I've fallen. I met this wonderful man who've I've been with for a year and half and wouldn't trade anything for him, and we go about life in successive adventures of research, debates, light competition, and of course continuous dancing. I live at home with my wonderful father, and still have a good relationship with both my sisters and have gotten closer to my extended family. I stay with my boyfriend's wonderful family during the summer, and they are everything to me in all that they are and accept me and my flaws and clinical illnesses.
    I haven't ended any of my hobbies of writing, painting, and even filming! Cam fully supports these hobbies, and was with me during one of them. It has been wonderful living out my life, and the memories I do have left are treasured, even the ones that are a little bit on the more sad side.
    I have lost a lot and this blog was supposed to be about my crazy adventures, opinions, music and other things. Now, that won't change, but the reason for writing will; I am no longer going to hide behind the fallacy that everything was okay. Because sometimes, it's not, and that is not a bad thing. Crisis isn't something to fear, it is an opportunity to learn and grow far beyond the horizons you have built in your times of peace. I never thought I would make it the way I did, that I was able to succeed so well while still being a mess. Yet, we're all messes. I've learned that the most from this past year. We all have a problem, one or another. I have become strong while being weak, and have kicked ass if I do say so myself.
    I haven't seen you in a while, and a lot has changed, including my perspective, but I'm still the same crazy, over-enthusiastic, prideful, hyper, ridiculous fifteen year old that started this blog over four years ago. Maybe this time around, we might start being a bit more honest about what it's really life in the Life of Elizabeth McGrath.

(P.S. BY THE WAY; a few awesome and big events have happened between then and now and one of them is my gorgeous sister Erica got married!! I wanted to restart this blog when she did but I was too air-headed and full of an AP physics class to really get it going but you'll probably see many more photos and blog posts about these two kiddos who have been there for me and succeeded like the bosses they are!! Yay for my sister and brother in law, Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Leman!!)

*Pictures

Reggie Lewis Athletic Center, graduation

"If We Made It" CampusMovieFest, Cam and I

New York, left-right, me, Erica, Andrew, Dad!